OMG the Hot Moms at the Town Pool!

The New York Mom

Summer is nearly here and there is nothing more terrifying than the town pool. Our town pool opens in exactly 5 days!!! and I have not done one single thing to get this body prepped for what awaits me at the pool every. single. day.

Hot moms!

Hot Nanny’s!

Hot AuPairs!

Pool season with preschoolers is not fun! Last year, thank the heavens, I did not have to wear my swimsuit once at the pool. Thomas was too young to go to the big pool and had no interest, so I just wore cute pool side cover ups and sat in the shade in the kiddie pool. Chillin! But this year! I have to “park’ my gear at the kiddie pool and then take him across the lawn to the big pool because he wants to swim in the big pool this year.

And here is where my problem lies.

The walk from the kiddie pool, past the gate that confines the kiddies in the kiddie pool, across the lawn – past the hot moms, nannies, aupairs… is the worst walk!

My only goal is to jump into the big pool as fast as I can without making a scene and then usher Thomas into the pool into my arms with my un-summer body safely under water! Great plan right?

Wrong. inevitably, I will run into a neighbor hot mom who wants to stand in the open air and chat about whatever she wants to chat about without even thinking for one second that I might be having an internal freak out right now standing practically naked in front of the entire town.

Thankfully Thomas will pry me away and I’ll be safe in the pool.  This is going to last 5 minutes because the water in the town pool is cold and he doesn’t like it and I am soaking wet and cold but now have to drag my soaked body out of the pool to walk back to the kiddie pool.

… past the hot moms, hot nannies, and hot aupairs.

That’s it. That’s all I have for you today. OMG the Hot Moms at the town pool!!

 

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5 things Moms really really want this Mother’s Day.

at the risk of losing every single one of my followers and getting a scolding from my mom…

i’m writing this “come to jesus” type piece about what Moms really really want this Mother’s Day and every Mother’s Day until the end of time. because as much as we love a bottomless brunch or a “my mom is the best” coffee mug… sometimes ya gotta dig a little deeper to give mama what she really wants.

massages and jewels are great… but lets skip the niceties and get to it shall we.

Best Mom Ever

I’m writing this at 1AM with one child in my bed on my right taking up “my side of the bed. The other child under my armpit which is fine because his head makes the ideal arm rest and a giant beast under my feet to offer some skeletal alignment while I type. 

Moms really REALLY want:

  1. a whole day to themselves to just sleep and watch Netflix and order chinese food that they don’t have to share and just stay in bed with no noise except the hum of the television and whatever binge watching madness goes on.
  2. a clean house. like a spotless house -like the kitchen is stunning with no dishes,counter has no stuck on cucumber peels… nothing… just out of a magazine, the bedroom is totally clean with not a single lonely strewn garment in sight, clean sheets and clutter free dresser,  the bathroom is clear of bathtoys, dirty clothes, no toothpaste spots on the walls, a nice smelling candle… and maybe a bubbling hot bath. without kids!Basically I want to be able to walk through my home without stepping on legos, choppiness, spilled yogurt…etc.
  3. a new closet full of brand new clothes! because your mom clothes have run their course and there are really only so many scarves you can wear to cover up that stain.
  4. the laundry is DONE… completely done. not a single garment in the laundry shoot or laundry basket. everything neatly in drawers or hangers… done.
  5. a dinner with my husband. last year Matt did this whole thing where we went to brunch to one of my fave swank restaurants. not even half way through – Thomas started throwing all the ceramic dishes across the room, then he moved on to the cutlery, then he started screaming… because brunch time is not toddler time. Lily was not having any of this either and Matt spent most of the meal outside with Thomas while I stayed inside scarfing down my brunch and chugging my mimosa with a 10-year-old who was negotiating screen time, candy and whatever else.

here’s what… i need time alone to truly enjoy Mother’s Day because guess what… i spend everyday with my little dragons!  and cleaning them up and throwing a bow tie on them does not make them any less dragony. i will also see them – the NEXT DAY…. and the day after, the day after…and. the. day. after.!  you get my drift. and besides they DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS… so any day … everyday is Mother’s Day to them!

on Mothers Day… i would like a day off. total day off. i want a day to sleep, i want to watch TV, i want to write, i want to think, i want an uninterrupted shower and i want to be alone.

i know what you are saying… “how dare you say you want to spend the day without your cherubs, your angels that have been bestowed upon you by the lord god herself… a good mom would never want to spend a day that’s meant to honor her and say I Want To Be Alone.”

Well let me remind you… that after the good lord our God created the world… on the 7th day… she rested!! I too need to rest! Mother’s day is my 7th day!

It’s ok to want a day to yourself… it really is. It does not make you any less of a mother… it might make you a better mother because you get to hit the ‘ refresh’ button. and since this is the one time of the year we are gifted with something… why not ask for what you really want!

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What Time Change?

The time changed on Sunday and we dutifully turned your clocks back one whole hour and slept in and thought we cheated mother earth with this whole “gain a full 60 minutes’ thing.

but no.

but not us parental units.

oh no.

not even close.

this is actually a really cruel joke you see.

Its the END of Daylight Savings Time and people refer to this as FALL BACK.

Fall Back from sleeping. right. because that’s what us parents are going through right now… 3 days later!

 

This is how the early morning conversation went down at our house… or rather in my bed at some ungodly hour in the morning.

MOTO: wake up mom, it’s a beautiful day.

ME: No Thomas, go back to sleep. it’s too early.

MOTO: ( channeling his inner Anna from Frozen) The sky is awake, so i am awake, so we have to go play.

ME: (innocent turn-back-the-clock being that I am) Thomas i told you get out of bed only when the SUN IS UP! (every parent says this right)

MOTO: mommy… the SUN IS UP!

Me: (slowly crank open one eye.. what is this.. the sun IS up… it’s kinda bright outside.)

did i oversleep, thoughts of inadequate parenting flood my mind and ego. i am good enough, i am pretty enough, my children like me. how did i sleep in, what happened to my alarm, my dependency on apple products has finally failed me. noooooo. my world is crumbling…

I roll over to look at my apple product smart phone clock… and it is 5:23AM!!! THE SUN IS UP!

So you can take your ‘turn back the clock’ movement and stick THAT where the sun don’t shine!

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5 things you – grown adults – need to stop saying and doing right NAO

you are an adult… unless you are a kid. but most people reading my site are grown adults – paying bills – contributing to society – community leaders – parents –  and all around valuable humans who inspire and teach and are role models to little humans around them.

so why in the seven kingdoms ( i miss you jon snow) are you saying and doing things that are saved for teens and tweens in their angst stages. Come on grown ups… it’s our turn right now… it’s our turn up here. Lets pull this together!

*full disclosure*

I‘m sick today and that means my whole world has just shut down. Don’t you hate that. My overactive brain and body have been FORCED to shut down and i am utterly bored laying in bed with my sweet beast on my legs. And when i am stir crazy, i spend endless time on crackbook…like you … and thus this post! This post is sponsored by my utter boredom!

5 things you need to stop saying right NAO: { like maybe even in 2001}

  1. On Fleek. no just stop this. what does this mean even. my goodness. save this for the yungones ok. let them have their word back. don’t say this in public. nothing you do is EVER on fleek!
  2. Leggings are NOT pants. Peter Pan was knocking on your window last night {and every night since you started wearing leggings as pants} and he wants his look back! but when I am checking out at the grocery store and your no-pant wearing bum is staring at me… gross. they are leggings… not pants. take them right back to the second star on the left … and straight on to morn!
  3. Facebook is NOT trying to steal your pictures! Stop posting things on your Facebook wall without reading and researching everything. don’t you teach this to your little humans… learn the facts before you jump to conclusions. your FB pictures are already public, it’s a public forum. if you don’t want people to steal your pictures then … just. don’t. post. them. WHAT! yes no one needs to know what a perfect life you have and then steal those pictures for themselves. 
  4. FB statuses where you announce to the world that you “cleaned out”  your friends list. and I made the cut! (yea?) this is kinda rude no? i mean how many fake friends did you have anyway that you had to do a ‘clean out’. also you are a grown up… this sort of thing is for the kiddies save the high school dramz for the high-schoolers.
  5. Posting awful war images or abused animal and tragic human pictures. what are you doing here? are you saying ‘look, so sad’. yes it’s totally sad, its heart breaking, it’s unbearable. we are all online and responsible humans who have access to the news. we know this already! what are you doing about it? why are you posting this –  while you are watching dancing with the stars and bored during commercial breaks. here’s what… unless you are actually on the front-lines fighting the good fight and have started an organization to actively help… then no… stop it. you are feeding your online need for ‘likes’ and commentary at the expense of real animals and humans who are going through something very real….that you are not doing anything about. commercial is over.

Alright. that’s it. now go put on some pants!

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6 Fool-Proof Parenting Hacks – or How to Parent Like a Ninja.

Ninjas are awesome. They are fast and nimble and think on their toes; they’ll do flips in the air and cut ya (I think you can already see the parallels with parenting).

Ninja Parent

While you have been basking in your instagram parenting fantasies, or your grandmas’ apron nostalgia… it’s time to snap out of it. Once you have kids, it’s survival time. Your ninja skills have to come out if you are going to emerge from this whole journey in one piece. Trust me, with two kids to keep me sharp, I’ve got a few parenting hacks to share. Just like that ninja throwing star you keep in your pocket… here are 6 sharp points to get you through the baby and toddler years.

Parenting Hacks

  1. LAYER THE CRIB SHEETS. Your child is going to be sick. It’s going to happen more than once and usually in the middle of the night. This brilliant idea will save you time and most importantly sanity. Line the sheets of your kids bed with waterproof liner, fitted sheet and layer – waterproof liner, fitted sheet, waterproof liner, fitted sheet. This way at 3AM when your child is sick, all you have to do is pull off the first layer of fitted sheet and liner and you are good to go. Your sick kid doesn’t have to wait for sheets to be changed and you can all go back to sleep… until the next round.
  2. PAINT BATH. To give you a few moments of sanity when you have a toddler ruling you life. Pour some washable paint into your bathtub and let your child have at it! Kids will love the novelty of taking a paint bath and you will have a moment to breathe! When you are ready to clean them off, simply turn the water on and rinse off. Arts education and parenting hack! Who said Jackson Pollock never painted nudes!
  3. PREEMPTIVE PAJAMAS. Kids fall asleep in the car. So next time you are out for a late dinner, change the diaper and put the kids into their PJ’s before they get in the car. This way they can go straight up to bed without any disruptions when you get home.
  4. BACKPACK I. Use a backpack as a diaper bag. This is the most convenient hands free way to tote all your baby essentials without having to fumble around with a large tote.
  5. BACKPACK II. Once your babe can walk around let him carry his own gear. Give him a kiddie backpack with one diaper, wipes, snack and a toy. This gives him some independence and gives you free hands to wrangle your toddler.
  6. TEETHING TREATS. To help with teething pain, small frozen mango or pineapple bits are the perfect antidotes. Kids will love the sweet tasty treat while also numbing the teething pain.

Parenting Hacks 2

Alright Ninjas… we’ve got this parenting thing down!

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A Dinosaur Story

Thomas and I have been attending a Monday morning  Mommy and Me Class all year. This has been our Monday ritual as we get dressed and walk down the street to school. He loves school and especially loves his teacher. She tells jokes, she reads books, plays bubbles, sings songs and most of all she has snacks!

The New York Mom

Early on in the year, Thomas caught on that everytime we go to class, we get snacks. So he usually walks into class and the first thing he does is walk up to his teacher and asks about snack time. And the teacher gently reminds him that snack time is later… after crafts. and Thomas says, ok and goes along his business. As if he HAS to be reassured about his snack time.

Last week, he asked the teacher if he could play dinosaurs and this week she put the dinos out on an activity table.

Thomas loved every moment of his time with the dinos.

The New York MomFirst – he lined them up and pretended they were asking him for candy. He gave them all ‘cake cakes’ and jelly beans and said, ‘ok last one your belly say ow’.

The New York MomThen – he lined them all up and took Curious George on a safari and had all the dinosaurs give him kisses.

The New York MomFinally – He took one lonely dino as his baby and tried to breastfeed him. “this my baby dinosaur, you want titis?’

Hope your Monday is just as WONDER ful as his imagination!         The New York Mom

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Disney Frozen “Let It Go” performed by the 2 year old Moto

Thomas wakes up at 6 AM every morning. The sun’s not up, it’s freezing outside and he is on full energy mode. My strong cup of coffee can’t keep up with him.

Earlier this week, he planted himself at the piano and started the day off singing. Woke up the rest of the house. What a great wake up call!

He’s 2 and he does this all on his own. Pretty awesome!

 

 

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5 survival tips for attending Disney on Ice: Frozen

Let me start by stating the obvious. Hockey arenas were not built for a thousand screaming Elsa’s who have to go pee N O W ! 

Standing in the Nassau Coliseum –  drowning in a sea of Elsa’s-  is pretty much how I felt,  when I spent 2 hours at the Disney on Ice: Frozen show. Don’t get me wrong… the show is spectacular. It’s magic. It’s on Ice. It’s Disney. 

But… while the kids LOOOVED it!

Make. It. Stop. 

Let. ME. Go.

 A few weeks ago when this whole house was sick, we watched frozen 4 times in one day. IN ONE DAY! Even the 23-month Moto is obsessed and sings the songs complete with ice queen castle building hand flares. You… dear parental unit… are quite possibly going to find yourself at a hockey arena with your very own Elsa, Anna or Snowman watching Disney on Ice: Frozen and I have some valuable tips to share with you. I, of course, learned all this the hard way. Field research… as they say.

disney-on-ice-frozen

1. Get to the arena early. There are a ton of vendors selling Olaf hats and mugs and Elsa wands and reindeer antler headbands and everything is blue and sparkly and cotton candy and you and your kids have to fight your way through this forest of souvenirs before you even get near your seat. So get there early and get ready for battle. 

2. Bring earplugs. Everyone is Elsa… some are Anna… but the Elsa’s rule the night. When “Let it Go’ is performed, get ready for the entire… and I mean ENTIRE arena to explode with each kid singing their own individual versions of the song. At the same time. Really loud. In your ear. Coming at you from all directions. You might want to tuck some earplugs under your own platinum blonde side-braid wig.

3. Go pee. Make sure your kid pees before the show and then don’t give them ANY liquids during the entire show. Do NOT… do NOT use the restrooms during intermission. You think a public gas station bathroom is gross… try a public bathroom where a gazillion Elsa’s have tried to hike up their poufy dresses to go pee… only to miss all over the place. * i have to say that the staff at the Nassau Coliseum did a stellar job tidying up after the princesses. You’ve got toddlers… what else can you expect!*

4. Beware getting clocked in the head by the many glowing, whirling magic wands. Instead of clapping, the kid behind you will like to wave hers around, treating your head to a thousand failed attempts at “turning you into a frog”.

5. Cinderella makes an appearance in the very beginning for all of 1 minute and the entire place is going to EXPLODE with a million squeals!!! I guess Elsa has competition! 

 

So there ya have it. The kids are going to love the show, It’s fun, funny, and has that Disney magic which cannot be duplicated. Disney on Ice: Frozen is a Holiday Season MUST! 

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Finding the Mother Funny in the daily with Nickmom

I am a member of the Collective Bias® Social Fabric® Community. This shop has been compensated as part of a social shopper insights study for Collective Bias and its client.

Nick Moms

I was asked to write about the whacked out things that happen to us parents sometimes.This is a project for Nickelodeon and Nick Mom. Have you visited their site… it’s mother funny!

Things you never thought you find yourself doing or saying sometimes becomes a very normal part of your daily routine. Things like … washing your poop covered hands after wiping your wriggly child’s bum, wiping the poop off the wall after changing the diaper of said wriggly child, wiping the poop off the dog… yes the innocent bystander dog… after said diaper change of said baby. this happens often.

Or how about when you have dressed up and brushed your hair and even put on some uncomfortable shoes so you can look snazzy for a fun evening dinner with friends  and there while chatting with friends over cocktails while holding your babe… you smell something rancid and feel something… smushy… only to find out that a massive. epic. poop explosion just happened while no one was looking and has now stained and stunk up your entire get up.

Why did you even try?

The things that come out of my mouth these days are things that never in a million years I thought I  would ever say…

but now that I’m a parent… it’s totally normal!

Also… apparently my whole life revolves around poop.

1. Do you go big poop or small poop?

2.Was it a billy goat poop or big chunk?

3. Please keep your clothes on in the car because people who drive SUV’s can see everything back there.

4. Don’t lick the floor, don’t lick the floor… DONT LICK THE FLOOR!!

5. Can I just have one moment of peace… in the bathroom… so I can wipe!

6. Let’s not lock the baby in the closet.

7. wipe. flush. wash your hands. x 100 ( even add a chant and dance to it!)

8. Don’t pick your nose and bum with the same finger.

9.  ( we pull over on the side of the road to pee)

Me: This is camping.

Lily: but I’m going potty on the side of the road.

Me: yea… it’s called camping. Make sure you tell Grammy that.

10. If you suck a stranger’s blood you will definitely get germs for the rest of your life.

11.—> you can’t do stranger danger to mommy just because you don’t want to go to bed!

with-without-kids-public-restroom-article-1

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She Said Wha…

Lily came home from school yesterday and said…

Gulp…

I look good – ( harmless)

I look fly – ( harmless)

I look sexy …- (WHAT the HELLLLLLOOOOOOO)

Yep she said that. Her first time ever saying somthing like this.

My inner monologue was chanting .. keep it cool , keep it cool.

I of course did not react, meanwhile every part of my innards was coiling and cringing with ” i can’t believe she’s growing up and who at the school taught her to say this and I don’t want her to grow up!” feelings.

Of course Lily has no idea what the word “sexy” even means….but it’s only a matter of time.

Hold the littles tight folks.. they are growing up soooooo fast!

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